By Thomas Gleaton

Being a f.a. was always something I was quick to admit. I felt that
being so open and sometimes downright loud about my preference was
something totally necessary to furthering size acceptance. I really
thought that being up front about my preference would go towards
convincing those non-beleivers that "we" do exist. I wanted plus
size women to know that they are sexy, sensual, and attractive
just the way they are. I wanted other guys who might have my
taste in women to "come out" and be open and honest about
their preference.

After 30 years of being around, 16 of which living as a "f.a.",
I have finally learned some incredible lessons about myself
and the movement that I have become a part of. I have realized
that my approach to being a f.a. was at times obnoxious,
intimidating, and repelling. I can think back to some things
I have said as a devoted f.a. and I start to understand why
I would be faced with some of the reactions I have received.

One lesson I picked up was that my thinking was so different
from the women I am attracted to. It was hard for me to
realize I was insulting or frightening someone with things I
might have said. To come out and tell a woman she is sexy
and attractive to me when she has been showered with negative
messages about her body all her life was taken as sarcasm.
If a woman realized the attraction was real, then she
would find fault with me because I found her body sexy.
She might take offense to my observation of her body
without consideration for who she is inside. A woman does
not like to be approached as a "sex object" no matter what
she looks like. Talking about how beautiful her "shape"
is would be something she might interpret as a purely sexual advance.

I've realized that when I was being so picky about
"how big" someone was and "what shape" their body had,
I was ruling out getting to know some really interesting
and attractive people. As time goes by and I meet more
people in a social sense rather than a dating sense, I
realize just how much I caused myself to miss out. The
more specific I got about a "minimum weight" and a
"specific shape", the more I came across as a total
freak and borderline pervert. I am ashamed to admit that
I have only learned this lesson in the past year, and
after 16 years of a certain way of thinking, this lesson
was quite a wake up call.

I have learned now more than
ever how important the "woman within" is rather than the
body we carry around with us while in this existance.
Only after I learned my lesson about how sexy women are
on the inside did I realize what a "wierdo" I must have
come across as in my days before learning this lesson.
It's no wonder why the very women I talked about having
a weakness for were the most hesitant to ever want to
meet me for real. As a guy, if there was something special
about my appearance that a group of people found attractive,
I would tend to hang out with those people. I had to
realize that a plus sized woman fights all her
life to change that very thing I "claim" to be attracted to.
It's no wonder why that woman would not want to meet a guy
who "wants her fat".

This brings us to what exactly I am in "rehabilitation" for as
a f.a. I have not been able to "go clean" totally at this point
yet, but I am trying to totally cut out my complimentary
nature when it comes to someone's looks "below the neck".
Until it was pointed
out how offensive it can come across, complimenting
someone on their body was something I thought was a good thing.
I wanted so badly to try to reverse all the negative conditioning
with my little comments. It would get worse as someone
was critical of themselves. If there was something about a
woman's body she felt bad about, I felt that
it was my responsibility to show her just how wrong she was.
I would go on obsessively about how that very
thing would make her more unique and more special. I
realize now that anything I could have said would just
make her feel more self concious and more worried about how
she is perceived by others.

In the realm of "super" size, it was very easy to say
things that might not have made any sense. Some things said could
really be insulting if a person was not "in the movement".
In my admission of having an attraction for super-size women,
I was again making myself more unapproachable. It has been
pointed out to me how there is no way to imagine life in
their shoes. For me to approach someone of an avarage mindset
who happens to be super-size could be frightening and
awkward. For me to have sent out signals in the past of having
a super-size "requirement", I was putting up yet another barrier
to making friends with people who did not want to be labeled
according to their size. The motive in being so open about
a preference for the super-size woman was again to educate
and make people aware. The more a woman just could not beleive
she was attractive to me, the more I would have tried to convince
her. That was another issue that should have just been left alone.
I beleive that there are special needs and special circumstances
that set super-size women apart. It is not comforting though to
have someone to say "it's ok" when they don't know you have a clue
to what they go through. Again, the best motives end up
causing more damage than good.

As a f.a., I was quick to point out how hard it was to compliment
a plus size woman on the things I found attractive. I should have
realized that it was so difficult because it was not my place
to be doing it! The more I would ramble on about how sexy this
or that was, the more it must have come across as a joke, or
a sarcastic gesture. If I had spent so much energy trying to
get to know something about the woman's brain, her habits, her
life, maybe I would have been more attractive or magnetic.

Now that I have been enlightened to how offensive I was as
a f.a., I realize that other f.a.'s are guilty of the very
thing that I was. I start to wonder if f.a. is a label
that I am so comfortable with wearing in my new enlightenment.
I start to realize that maybe the men out there that like
big women who refuse to be called a f.a. really
do so for fear of what big women will think.
It's not a fear of what family or friends think,
if a guy goes around talking about his love for fat women,
it may be generally perceived that the guy has a problem!
Now I realize
that maybe my own f.a. status should stand for "female admirer"
or "fat advocate" or two words my wife comes up with occasionally
that can't be printed here!

I have to mention how I've also learned my lesson about
the "too small" syndrome. Having made the mistake over and
over of telling a woman she was a "bit light" for me when
it's not called for at all. It would happen in a few ways.
I might compliment a woman on how she looks and if that
woman was aware of my "super size" attraction I felt compelled
to tell her she was not "that big". What a total screw up!
I have even told a woman she would look really great "even
if she happened to gain weight" and that would be perceived
as an insult. Even if I was trying my best to be complimentary
(hard to beleive huh?), I was still making someone beleive
that I found fault with them the way they were right then.
I have come to realize that again, by not letting myself
see who the woman inside was, I was letting a potential
friendship with a really interesting person fly out the window.

Having realized all that I was doing wrong, I am ready to
value a woman more for the person she is rather than the
size of the dress she is wearing. Friends come in all
shapes and sizes, and I honestly did not know just how
much I was closing myself off to making all kinds of friends
just because I was so closed minded about what is attractive.
I think that this was another lesson that had so little
to do with being a f.a. and more to do with an ability to
admire the beauty of a person on the inside no matter what
size they are. It applies to being a f.a. only because I
finally learned that it is not my job to make everyone
feel better about themselves.

I can't change the way a person's self image is just from making comments. I can't
be taken seriously if I go around spouting my sexual interestsrather than talking about the things that are important to me in my life. I can't single handedly stop every fat
woman who is getting surgery from going to that doctor's office.
I can't stop the countless thousands who will diet and gain,
diet and gain. I can't stop women from taking a new pill even
if it can do more damage than anyone knows yet. I can't stop other people from discriminating against someone for their size. By openly being a f.a. I can't change
any of those things, and in some cases I may make things worse.

I think I will be taken more seriously in my work for size acceptance if I can appreciate someone
for who they are. I will make someone feel special about themselves if I concentrate more on the gifts they have been given in their personality. I can make someone feel better about themselves if
I compliment them on their ability, their writing, or their
way of expressing their opinion. I can help to educate people
on the dangers of things invented for the purpose of "losing weight".
I can do all of those things and more if I stop screaming about
what looks good to me and get to work showing how special the talents
and abilities of a big beautiful woman are. I'm no angel, and
I still lose my cool and spout off about things now and then,
but when it comes to being a f.a. I am learning how to control
my impulses so that instead of doing damage I can do some good
in the name of size acceptance and proving that big is beautiful.